Birthmothers Story - A Whole New Way of Thinking

Twenty Seven years is a long time to live a lie. Everytime I went to the Doctor and they asked how many preganacies did I have and how many live births, I'd hedge around the answer. I'd want to scream "TWO", but I'd very ashamedly admit in a small voice that I had two preganacies and two live births, but I gave the first one up for adoption.

That thinking has turned around completely now, when asked, I'm very proud of the fact that I have 2 sons. I finally feel complete about that.

The first year of having Tom in my life was a real learning experience. It was nothing what I pictured it to be. Once we both had the realization that we were pretty much ok with each other, we started the process of getting to know each other and the boundries of our relationship started being defined. I'm all about love, all the time...all inclusive, without reservation...so, the boundries had to be put around me, to rein me in. Tom was very tactful in how he handled me.

Of course once I got home from Atlanta, I wanted to talk to him all the time, even though I didn't have much to say. I tried to refrain from that. I'd send an email and patiently (yeah, right...lol) wait for a response. I knew I had to let him set the pace. I had to keep reminding myself that we are complete strangers to each other and we're adults that have to figure out how to "be" with each other before we can "be" with anyone else. I also had to keep reminding myself that it was only the beginning.

One of the common misconceptions of birth parents, moms especially, is that when you're finally reunited with your child, it will be total acceptance, unconditional love and the true Mother and Child Reunion. That's a HUGE expectation and completely unrealistic.

One of the first small hurtles, in my mind, was my title. hmmmm. Hadn't ever really thought about it. He was my son, I did give birth to him, but, I'm not MOM, I'm not Mother. He comfortably called me by my first name. It finally dawned on me that a title is nothing more than a word. AND why should I expect anything different from him, especially when all of my nieces and nephews call me by my first name, without "Aunt" preceding it. Ok, first one down...only about 5,000 more to go.

That first year, we danced the dance of two people trying to figure out how to fit into each others lives.

Also during that first year, I exchanged letters with his parents. His Mom was great about sending me a package of pictures of Tom's life. They all depicted a happy, well adjusted boy. And of course, I cried.

In September, Tom came to our home in New England. WOWOWOW...this was a biggee and I sure didn't know how to act. My damn expectations got in the way again!!! I wanted Jess and Tom to be fast friends right off the bat. Of course, they both knew better and knew that they had to find their way with each other. Talk about an agonizing time for me!! They both retired to their respective corners of the house and didn't talk hardly at all. I finally had to leave because I couldn't take the anticipation any more. They were completely civil to each other...at this point, Jess was 21 and Tom was 28. They are so different from each other, but look so much alike. Tom is an avid reader, Jess is not. Jess is totally in to his car, Tom could care less. And so it went on. They certainly would not seek each other out in a crowded room. But, hope always springs eternal in my heart, and, after all, this is just the beginning.

Ok, so Tom's visit wasn't horrible, just different. Different isn't bad. But, my expectations are...gotta stop that.

The first year of our reunion drew to a close and an awesome opporunity presented itself.

A friend of mine (also Tom's age) invited me to go to the Florida Keys with her to spend some time aboard a sailing yacht and to go ahead and invite Tom if I'd like.
How could I pass this up??? No Way, Jose!!!

So we put all the logistics together and the next thing I knew I was standing in the Miami airport waiting for Tom's plane to arrive. My friend had rented a convertible, so, here we were doing the perfect vacation in the Florida Keys.

We spent 4 days and 3 nights aboard a 41 foot yacht. It was amazing!! It was the best time ever! So many "firsts". Nature granted us a beautiful, serene night with a full moon. The two of us sat huddled under a blanket on the bow of the boat and talked until the sun came up. We really got to know each other and a level of comfort started to sink in. It was becoming pretty obvious to both of us that we were in this for the long haul.

This was also the start of what was to become a yearly ritual for us. Since that amazing trip, we try to get together every year around April and do something out of the ordinary and fun.