Birthmothers Story - After the gush

The sibling concept grabbed a hold of us, tightly. It gave us both a comfort level that was easy to communicate to all of our collective families. It was a bit awkward at first for the families to understand, but after they tried it on for a bit, they too found that it worked. It kind of eased the "threat" of me coming in and taking over the love and it gave his parents (especially his Mom) a lot of much needed breathing room.

Which leads to another aspect of this phenomena. The adoptive parents.

Meeting Tom's parents for the first time was a bit of a trial. His Mom called me and said they were going to be in New York visiting relatives and would like to meet me and my husband for lunch somewhere half way between New York and our house. However, she did not wanting me telling any of her children we were meeting. This had me extremely puzzled, and added much anxiety to this already anxious process. More secrets, more lies by omission .... and it nearly killed me. I had promised myself once Tom and I had found our stable ground that there would be no more secrets, no more lies and now his Mother is asking me to keep one more secret. Out of respect for her wishes, I kept the secret, not willingly at all, but I did keep it.

The day of the meeting finally arrived. I had talked to Tom many times in between, and although the impending meeting was on the horizon, I did not mention it to him, even though it was right on the tip of my tongue.

We arranged to meet at a Denny's right off of Route 84 in western Connecticut. My husband and I were early, so we sat...and sat....and sat...and sat. Tom's parents were now 20 minutes late, then 45 minutes late. They finally called the restaurant and asked for me...traffic was awful and they apologized for being so late, however, they were still about an hour out. So, we sat and waited. I was incredibly nervous...

Finally about 2 hours later, they showed up. His Dad reminded me of a wonderful older Irishman with a twinkle in his eye and a ready smile. His Mom was stately...tall, white hair cut in a bob, young face and pleasant to look at. I wanted to melt. These were the people that raised the boy I gave birth to so many years ago.

The meeting was awkward, comfortable, comforting, awkward, stilted at times, and oh, did I mention awkward? But, at least we got to lay eyes on each other and exchange a lot of information. I left that meeting with a lot of mixed emotions. I was so glad that we finally met, but I was so burdened with yet another secret. It almost smothered me.

Later that week, Tom called me and he was furious with his Mother about making me keep that secret. I told him, I would never be held accountable for keeping a secret from him again. The whole incident was never referred to again...thankfully.

Through the years, my communication with his parents has been stilted and kind of non-existant...Christmas cards and the like. He's sheilded us from each other and I'm sure with good cause. I'm thinking probably out of self preservation, more than anything. His parents are a good 15 years older than I am and a different generation, with much different values. It's not a bad thing. Just different.

This year, however, seemed to be a turning point. 7 years. Doesn't the whole cyclical thing happen every 7 years? I was visiting Tom in March and his parents called while I was there and asked to speak to me...simple chit chat...what was I wearing to the wedding we were going to? How was my flight down, etc, etc. I was blown away. The old adage of all good things take time surely does apply here. I'm a firm believer in that.